How to turn a fight around: Tips from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Couples fight. The reality is that conflict never goes away, and couples must learn to manage conflict. The goal is not to never fight — it’s to be able to turn a fight around and get through it together.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (#203666) and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), I work with couples every day to help them navigate challenges in their lives and relationships. Here are a few of my top tips for turning a fight around before it gets out of control.
Stay self-aware
Learn to recognize when you are feeling emotionally dysregulated or flooded. When your nervous system and emotions are out of whack, the heart rate goes up to over 100 bpm, stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol are released, and people enter a state of fight, flight, or freeze response. It is impossible to have a healthy discussion when your body is in this state.
The first step is becoming extremely aware when you notice you are becoming dysregulated.
Use a negotiated time out
It’s very important to take a time out when one or both partners become triggered or flooded with emotion. When you are both in calmer states, plan a negotiated time out. This is a multistep process and I encourage couples to plan it in detail and practice it when both partners are calm and happy — BEFORE using it during a conflict. If you wait to use it when in heated conflict, you might revert to old habits and get stuck in old patterns. Sign up below to get a handout to help you do this!
Use “I” statements
Fill in the blanks and express a concern to your partner without sounding critical:
When you ____________________, I feel____________________ (angry, lonely, tired, sad, afraid, etc.) and I need________________________.
An example could be:
“When you forget to start the dishwasher at night, I feel overwhelmed the next morning when I’m in a hurry to leave the house, and I need you to start the dishwasher before we go to bed at night.
Here is a list of feelings that sometimes come up during a conflict discussion.
The list is not exhaustive, but will help you express how you feel in these statements:
I feel:
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Afraid
Embarrassed
Nervous
Worried
Powerless
Worn out
Overwhelm
Depleted
Unsure
Uneasy
Shame
Guilt
Make a repair.
Before things get too heated, accept responsibility for your part, apologize, and offer a compromise while listening to your partner’s perspective. This can be a difficult task and we recommend trying this before you feel too agitated. This takes practice and the goal is remembering that you and your partner are on the same team. It’s not about proving that you’re right and they’re wrong. For the sake of your own peace and the health of your relationship, become insightful about the role you play in this situation and accept responsibility for it.
Avoid using 4-Horsemen
John Gottman, the co-creator of The Gottman Method, coined the term “4-horsemen” because the following four communication habits destroy relationships over time.
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
Avoid using criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling in your discussions. If you get caught in a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, take a break from the conversation using a time-out or switching to healthier forms of communication like active listening and “I” statements.
Contempt is the most dangerous of the 4-Horsemen, and people who use this are likely to divorce. Examples of contempt include sarcasm, snarling, eye rolling, name- calling, or a general tone in your voice that communicates disdain and superiority.
When couples enter a state of stonewalling, usually one or both partners are flooded, and the partner who is using stonewalling shuts down, stops talking, stares off into space, and ignores what is being said.
This is a vicious cycle that repeats when couples engage in conflict. Couples who are using the 4-Horsemen regularly during conflict discussions might be considering divorce or at the least be very unhappy in their relationship.
Get help if you have trouble turning off this cycle.
We know how overwhelmed couples feel during and after a fight. Try out these tips to help turn around your next conflict. If you need more help, call us. We have seasoned couples therapists ready to help get your relationship back on track.
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