Tips for Talking About Sex
We work with lots of couples who struggle to talk about sex. Many couples come to us after years of what they describe as a “sexless marriage,” where both partners feel isolated, alone, and dissatisfied. Sex is often the focus of their conflict and the couple can’t move forward unless they actively address it.
Today I’m going to share with you a few tips to help you talk about sex.
First, make sure to talk about sex before, during, and after intimacy.
I always tell couples that the partners who are having amazing sex talk about sex before, during, and after sexual intimacy. People who have great sex communicate their needs during intimacy. If you just sit or lie there waiting for your partner to read your mind, you’ll never get what you want. I encourage couples to express what feels good or what doesn’t feel good. Talk about your needs IN ACTION. “Not there, nope, move over a little, yup, ahhhhhhhh, yes, that’s it!!” This sounds silly but orgasms don’t happen unless couples communicate their needs/wants in the bedroom. Consensual and mutually satisfying sex entails lots of talking, asking questions, and clearly communicating needs and intentions.
Satisfying and healthy sex is consensual, safe, secure, mutual, and comfortable.
Sex should not be painful, degrading, or forced. Couples who are happiest in their sexual relationship often have positive things happening in other areas of their relationship. They often have lots of things in common, share the responsibility of household chores, and act as a team. Sex becomes a fun way to stay connected at a more intimate level and reduces the stress of both partners when they release oxytocin during the intimacy.
Oxytocin is the hormone released during orgasm and it helps you feel relaxed, and partners want to linger and cuddle after this hormone is released. Sexual intimacy improves relationships, but some couples spend months or years without it. This increases the stress level in each partner and spills over into the relationship. Couples who aren’t having sex, or aren’t having good sex, spend a lot of time in their head making up stories about why this is or isn’t happening. The truth is, that if you don’t start talking, the stalemate will never end.
Some couples love to use the Gottman Card Decks app.
The app is available for free and provides questions that couples can ask each other that enhance their knowledge about their partner’s sexual maps, arousal template, and wants and needs during intimacy. A couple’s therapist can help you negotiate vulnerable discussions about sex and intimacy during your therapy sessions. The goal is to help each partner express their needs and concerns, beliefs, values, and hopes. This intimate conversation helps couples develop empathy for each other, softens the conflict, and encourages compromise.
Address trauma.
Sometimes, one or both partners have experienced abuse in childhood, adolescence, and adulthood that creates symptoms of PTSD and causes disruptions in sexual intimacy during adulthood. One or both partners might need individual therapy to help work through past trauma before sexual intimacy can be negotiated in the marriage.
Respect boundaries.
It is also important that partners respect each other’s boundaries during sex. When boundaries are broken during intimacy through infidelity or engaging in sexual activity without clear consent, it destroys trust and causes partners to disengage from the relationship.
Sometimes, there are health issues that disrupt sexual intimacy. A qualified couples therapist can help you negotiate these tough discussions, create compromises, and develop a plan for your future together.
Try couples counseling.
If you are living in a sex-starved marriage, don’t wait to get help. This issue rarely gets better on your own. Our goal is to help every marriage we work with develop a sexual health plan that addresses the needs and wants of both partners. Sex is never one-sided, and your couples therapy shouldn’t be either. If you are ready to start living life with less anxiety while having the best sex of your life, book a free consultation here.