What is DARVO in a relationship?

DARVO—DENY, ATTACK, REVERSE VICTIM OFFENDER

DARVO is a manipulation tactic used by perpetrators of abuse or people struggling with addictions to avoid accountability when they are confronted about their problems or behaviors. It is a form of gaslighting used to hide behaviors. You may be familiar with the term gaslighting, which means manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity. It is incredibly common in toxic and abusive relationships to have the perpetrator gaslight the victim as a way to maintain their control over them.

The concept of DARVO was first introduced by Jennifer J Freyd, a professor of psychology at the University of Oregon. Her research shows that DARVO occurs when “an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation” (Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD).

If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, whether it be with a partner, parent, family member, or friend, it’s very possible that you have been a victim of DARVO, but didn’t have the awareness to understand the tactic that was being used against you.

Common denial statements used during DARVO are:

“It didn’t happen.”

“It hardly ever happens.”

“It didn’t hurt you.”

DARVO sounds like this:

“What are you talking about? I didn’t do that, and even if I did, you know I rarely do that type of thing, and honestly, it’s harmless. [DENY, MINIMIZE] Why are you getting so worked up about this? [ATTACK] You’re always on my case about something.” [REVERSE VICTIM OFFENDER]

Types of Denial Language used in DARVO

Outright denial—the person denies any truth to the allegations. “I didn’t do that!”

Amnesia—can’t recall the time, substance use, and behavior. “I don’t remember what happened last Friday? You know how busy my work is, I can’t remember every detail of my day.”

Minimization—Admits to some aspect of the allegation, but denies the full extent. “Sure, I sent her a text, but it was nothing, seriously, it was work-related.”

Projection—blames their family, the substance, or their partner. “You always blame me for these problems, you’re the one with the issue.”

Conversion—this one is sneaky, they admit to the problem, addiction, or behavior but declare they are reformed. “That’s the old me. I’ve changed. I promise, I don’t do that anymore and never will. You have my word.”

Gaslighting creates confusion, distorts reality, and over time the victim feels unsure of their own thoughts, experiences self-doubt, and feels helpless. This process happens covertly, repeatedly, and slowly etches away the victim’s ability to stand up for themself. 

Pay attention to these warning signs 

If you’re in a relationship where you are being gaslit, we’re here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.